Death Note Rants
by Lawliet19980212
Summary: Wanna know what Death Note characters hold in and never say? Well here's some major ranting from all Death Note characters, even Watari! Rated T for language.  especially Mello's
1. My Screwy Life

Ok. So, here's my theory. The creators of Death Note must REALLY hate me. Why? Well... There's a couple things. Let's see...

My son is accused of being Kira, the whole task force resignes, I almost lose my job, my hair grays, I have a heart attack, my daughter gets kidnapped, I had to shoot at my son, regardless of whether or not it was a blank, Matsuda's an idiot, Light's Kira and then I DIE! C'mon you gotta admit someone was having a reeaaaallllyyyyy bad day while creating my story-line..

~Soichiro


	2. XBox and Sexiness

Okai Mello, this one's for you, my friend. If you shut off my X-box ONE MORE TIME without saving my game that I was GONNA continue when I got home, I'll shove you into a Mario form cake pan and bake you into aa Mario-face cake and eat you! Enough of that, what's more important to me is that I only have around 4 minutes of screentime in the whole anime! I dont think it's fair to hide THIS body from fandom. I mean really, what's the point of having a smokin-hawt character if they only get a 14 second car chase to be smokin-hawt? You just watch, someday me and my sexiness will randomly appear in another anime like... Naruto or Ouran High School Host Club...or somethin like that...

~Matt


	3. IM NOT GAY I SWEAR

Let me ask you a question. Is there ANY yaoi in Death Note? NO! No, no, no! No LightXL, no MattXMello, not even LightXPotatoChip! -.- Since me and L are the main characters, there should be at least ONE yaoi scene like...a hug- or something... But noooo. I just HAD to be created for only dating chicks. Why should I? They're bitchy and moody and have periods and scream! Then again.. Mello does that too. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't date Mello, but I wouldn't cause I'm not gay, but um... GAH! IM NOT GAY GOD DAMMIT! I SWEAR TO GOD! OR MYSELF! Whatever! Geez.

Btw Ryuk, you're missing one earring and it's driving me fucking nuts!

~Light


	4. Assholes Light's Too Sexy

What happened? The world gave birth to raging, jealous, greedy, smelly, not to mention kinda hairy assholes who rob people of their sanity and security. I'm plotting their death right now. I can see them dying a truly PAINFUL death, slow and MIGHTY! THE WORLD MUST GET DE-GERMED FROM THE kinda HAIRY BASTARDS OF EARTH. Now let's talk about Light and Death Note itself. Light should NOT be a character of this anime. Not at all. Know why? He's too sexy. That's right. Wayyy too sexy. It should be illegal to be so hawt. Like really though, I guess he_ would_ be beautiful if he's supposed to be God, but SEXY is not in the picture. That's just a violation of the people's eyes. -.- Long story short, Light is too sexy for a clean world. ((It's not fair!))

~Mikami


	5. Pj's, Emotions, Lidner

I got better than him on a test again and he was trying to hurt me, so I hid in the cupboard (I was a small kid!) in the kitchen. You wanna know what Roger mistook me for when he came down for his _ever-so-not-so-secret_ midday snack?

A bag of marshmellows.

It's not my fault for wearing white! I'd look really stupid in any other colour. And the pajama thing? Kay, no. These are not pajamas people! They're very comfortable cotton, and my pajamas _may_ resemble my outfit, there's a big difference. My pajamas are flannel! Not cotton!

My emotion thing? I have emotions. Just cause I play with robots doesn't mean I am one. True, when Mello hurt me I wouldn't cry; until later that night when I was alone. And yeah, people say, "Oh, Near's not afraid to die, he gave Mello permission to shoot him!"

Oh and Mello? Lidner's pretty thorough, isn't she? Whether it's in her work, or her personal hygiene. Yes, it seems she takes a lot of showers doesn't she? What bothers me, Mello, is that half the time YOU'RE there!

~Near


	6. Back Off Matsu

Dear Matsuda,

I love you and all, and you're super sweet and supportive, but I'll rip off your arms and shove them down your throat if you flirt with Light one more time, kay? Back off kid! Light's MINE! Got it! Good Matsu! ^.^

~Misa


	7. No Name Brand

Why? Why did it have to be me? Out of everyone in the world, he HAD to do it to me? I'll catch him, and demand an answer. Because I. Am. JUSTICE! Watari's heard this rant before many times. He tells me I'm special to be chosen for this and that I should forget it's disadvantages. Then he tells me that this certain rant is annoying, but it's not my fault that I'm the not my fault that I'm the ONLY character that doesn't have a first name!

I'll find said Ohba person, and lock him behind bars forever (or until he gives me a name) for making ME the only one to not have an identity. I am NOT happy about this- wait. Instead of tracking down Tsugumi Ohba, I have another, more reliable source... If Watari adopted me and brought me to the orphanage, that would mean... HE MUST KNOW MY REAL NAME! Perfect! I'll just lock **him** behind bars forever! Now I just gotta...find him.

C'MERE OLD MAN...WHERE ARE YOUUU?...I gotta secret for ya... 3;)

~L


	8. Stoned Says My Eyes

What's up with my eyes? What the fuck is wrong with the artist? Why are my eyes so screwed up! In one scene my pupils are dialated and I look stoned! And in another scene they're as big as my fucking head! Why! Nobody's eyes do that! They don't blow up five times their original size a point! That shit only happens in animes!...

...Oh wait.

~Mello


	9. Work, Death, Ignorance, Nachos

You know what bothers me? Nobody listens to me.

-I ask Soichiro for a raise, "No!".

-I ask for a promotion at work, "Get me some more coffee."

-I try suggesting something about the Kira investigation, "Shut up, Matsuda."

Even when I promote Misa-Misa's newest outbreak, "Matsuda's being stupid again." When _I can hear you guys!_

Oh, and don't even get me _started_ on the things they've done to try to get rid of me. They had me fall off a building and fake my death! They made me show my face to _Kira_! I could've died! Then I shot Kira six freaking times! And do I get credit for it? NO!

I swear, one of these days I'll seek appreciation. Even if it means becoming the Lord Of Blankets and someday I'll be having graham crackers for breakfast, s'mores for lunch, and cheesecake with graham crumblies for dinner, and then, I'll have a pet turtle, I'll name her Heriette, buy all Misa-Misa's cosmetics, and then MAYBE that damn Soichiro Yagami will come to my future 'Matsuda Manor', and ask to borrow some sugar and I'll be like "Ohh _hell_ no!" (I know you're reading this Yagami!)

_(*pant*pant*)_ And _that_ is why no one should ever ignore me, or insult me, or underestimate me _ever_ again. Or else their cookies, or cake, or nachos or _whatever_ the hell they need sugar for will be... well, sugarless.

**... I think I've gone mad with power.**

~Matsuda


	10. WayTooOld

Mello, stop pounding Near's head into the wall! Matt, no video games at the table! L don't bite the dentist, he's only trying to help. Oh, thank you, Linda, this is such a beautiful picture. L! Get. That. Out. Of. Your. Mouth! ((Oh, I'm getting too old for this...)) Matt, no games past bedtime! Mello, what did I say about hurting Near! There you go, Near, go to bed now, okay? B.B.? WTF I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD- I mean- Welcome back! Um...You can stay in your old room...Oh crap that's Near's room now. OH CRAP NEAR'S IN HIS ROOM NOW! B.B. WAIT! DON'T HURT THAT BOY, I SWEAR I'LL- Oh hello,-wait.. what're you eating?- Hey! L, get back here! ((OH my back! *collapses on floor*)) *_beep beep briiing beep* _Matt! No games!

((B.B. runs back to old man laying on the floor))

**B.B:** "Watari! Th-there's a g-g-ghost in my room! It was white and had demonic black eyes! And that's not all! There were ALLIES! The ghost had toys and they were all around the ghost, they were probably-...Watari?" *pokes old man* X_X ((shows graveyard))

~Watari


End file.
